My life without ED (part sixteen)

Lately I have been doing my devotions in Hebrews. Today I was reading Hebrews 2 and a couple of verses that I had highlighted previously stuck out to me:

Hebrews 2: 1 - 2 states “We must pay more careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away. For if the message spoken by angels was binding, and every violation and disobedience received its just punishment.” 

While dealing with an eating disorder, ED is constantly telling me lies, trying to make me relapse. I was confused at first why God wanted me to read Hebrews, but now I am slowly understanding why. There are so many lies the devil puts in my head, so many weights he tries to tie to my neck and drown me, but God’s hand on my heart is stronger. The salvation He has given me and his Holy Word gives me strength. Even when I know ED is whispering lies into my ear, I know God is greater. I have to pay such careful attention to make sure I do not get stuck in my head, to make sure my thoughts don’t suffocate me, and God has not only given me his Word, but amazing friends, amazing family, and an amazing support system that is my therapists and dietitian. 

Hebrews 2: 18 states “Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”

Through the past almost 8 months, I’ve felt completely deflated. And just when things were going right, they all went wrong. I realized I was sexually assaulted by my ex, three days later he messaged me, two days later he was at school, I got in a fight with my friends (luckily resolved!!), my grandpa got cancer, my uncle died, one of my first boyfriends got cancer again and my high school class mate committed suicide. This all happened from September 5 - 24. How can life be this sucky? Haven’t I been through enough. But I read this verse again, realize Jesus suffered just like we did. Realizing Jesus took on ALL of ours sins, there are 7 BILLION people on Earth today, not including all the generations past or present, and Jesus took on all those sins, way over 7 billion. That whole weight was on him. He suffered so much more than me, and I felt like I had gotten the worst of it.

I realized how bad my fear and hatred of men was when yesterday I was brim prayed over at Bible study and some guys put their hands on my knees to pray over me..and I started shaking and crying. No one noticed..but that was such a hard moment for me.

A friend once told me that things I have been through, the anorexia and the abuse, will make me a stronger and better support for the women I help in South Korea.

As much as I wish none of this happened, I am blessed that I can understand better and blessed that God makes my brokenness beautiful.

My response to your apology

You end your apology with “a heavy heart”, but do you really understand what that means? Was your heart ripped, damaged and violated by a false love? Were you left with half a heart and a soul that was slipping out?

You say for 8 months you’ve been feeling guilty and feeling regret, but now you’re over it.
It’s only been 7 months, not 8, shows your lack of remembering anything.
And do you really feeling guilty? Do you really feel regret? Do you regret the times you pushed me away? Do you feel guilty for the times you told me you didn’t love me anymore? Do you regret leaving bruises on my ankles and wrists? Do you feel guilty for the times I cried because you “got caught up in the moment”? Do you regret the false sense of love you have me? Do you feel guilty for manipulating me?

I feel the shame for all of that. And guess what? It doesn’t take 7 months to get over the abuse and manipulation you put me through. I actually have emotions and feelings. I am a real human being. And I am furious that you tell me that you “hope I move on to”.

I AM OVER YOU. I dislike you to your core. You said you have been praying for me and that makes me feeling disgusting. Get me out of your head. If you really prayed for me, you would’ve known to never talk to me again.

Don’t tell me to move on, like you’re such a catch. I’m over you, I’m not over the damage you did.

You’re the broken one, yet I am in therapy.

I still can’t wrap my brain around how God loves a cruel, pathetic man like you. You are scum, and aren’t a man. No man does what you did to me. No man who says he loves God does what you did to me.

I have lost faith in christian men because of you. And it makes me so mad that no one will believe everything you did because you lead worship and put up a mask to make everything think you’re something you’re not.

So guess what? Your peace treaty failed. I never want to see you or hear from you ever again. I know this apology was just to get things off your chest, to make yourself look good, but you’re still ugly to me. Now you can tell people you’ve apologized and it’s all better.

The only truthful thing in that fake, scripted message was that you said you are a coward because you are. A man who violates and manipulated and makes a woman feel worthless is a coward.

Because of you I can’t go to the church I made my home because I am so scared of you. Because of you I am scared to go to school because you might show up.

It angers me every day knowing people still like you and don’t know the real you; don’t know how you tore me apart.

After your apology, I know only one of us feels better. Looks like you’re sill as selfish as you’ve always been.

Maybe try apologizing and actually think of the other persons feelings.

Stay out of my life. You’ve ruined me enough and you will never admit it.

You apologized for the way you broke up with me, but what you should have really apologized for what our entire relationship.

I regret ever meeting you and ever loving you. I wish I could take it back, by luckily God is SO MUCH BETTER that he makes beautiful things out of our mistakes.

Your apology means nothing. You made me feel worse.
You abused me. You violated me. And you expect a cheap apology to make it all disappear.

Take off your fake persona. I already know the real you, and he is very ugly and he terrifies me.

See you never.

I’m Still Standing - Elton John

You could never know what it’s like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there’s a cold lonely light that shines from you
You’ll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I’m coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I’m still standing you just fade away

Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I’m still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah
I’m still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you’d be a clown by now

It may be weird, but this song is SO empowering right now!

Why didn’t you leave?
Why don’t you just eat?
These questions have been asked to me for way too long.
After 7 months I thought this journey was going up hill, but I should’ve assumed that it wasn’t.
This week has been one of the worst weeks of my year, and it continually has gotten worse.
I feel trapped in my own skin; unable to speak of my true feelings. Feeling like a liar, like I am playing the victim.
And no one can truly understand.
No one is there telling to stop feeling ugly and gross and shameful.
No one has come up beside me to help me love God again, because I am trying, but have fallen again.
I can’t go to my school or my church without feeling fearful. Without wondering if he will show up. And I know no one would believe me if I said why.
I honestly don’t think people can see past the persona that he puts on, but if I see him and when I do, I know I will only feel abused and violated again.
How am I suppose to go to church with the person who abused and assaulted me? I don’t even know how to deal with the scars of abuse and anorexia at the same time.
A christian guy who loves God wouldn’t abuse you..right? I’m not so sure anymore.
My life feels so heavy and I feel like a burden and victim to all my friends, even my family.
I’m just so scared and confused and I feel all alone. I don’t know what to do with my emotions and thoughts.
I just want this life to be over.
I know he has gotten over his “guilt and shame”, which infuriates me, because I am still filled with shame and guilt and hate myself.
An apology, a peace treaty, made me feel so dirty and disgusting. I hate myself.