My life without ED (part twelve)

I am back in Calgary this weekend, and I thought I would feel a lot more anxious, scared, and lonely. And even though the lonely part is kind of true, a lot of my friends are busy this weekend, I feel at peace.

I had one of my really good friends last night tell me she would be on my support team, which meant a lot. I have lost more friends these past six months than I can count, and the fact that I have 4 friends who were actually excited to see me, means so much.

I am also kind of nervous to move back. My roommate is having her sister move in, along with one of our friends, and all three of them are BOSSY. And I am JUST learning to be assertive. My parents are extremely worried that I might relapse and they are actually looking for a new place for me to live. My roommate and I use to be closer, she was one of my best friends, but since my diagnosis of anorexia, she has kind of ignored me and has not cared. 

It is really hard, because sometimes I feel like I burden my 3 friends. One is just newly married, so obviously she doesn’t want to spend all her days with me, the other, who has been there for me every step of the way has TONS of other friends and is dating the best friend of my ex, which can sometimes make it awkward if I want to hang out with that group of friends, and the other is graduating in 9 months…like..gaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

I guess I just feel disappointed, more people have left than stayed, and it does make me very sad. I have a lot of memories of my ex in this little town house, and sometimes that hurts too. I want to just make a new life; forget about 2013-mid 2014 and be the Kiana who has been hidden and beaten down my everyone else. If it wasn’t for God and my mentor, I would not have been able to find myself and be strong enough to be ME.

Calgary is different. EVERYTHING that was once stable has now changed and it makes me want to just live at home forever haha, but I know change is good. It is necessary. But I am scared for a change again because it hurt so much the last time it happened. I am not saying the change wasn’t good..IT WAS AMAZING, I am just saying, I am scared. I think I need to make better friends, my mentor has amazing friends, and I really want to meet them and hopefully befriend them (without looking like a creepy tag-a-long). I need to realize it is okay to let go of people and sometimes people are only in your life for a chapter.

Letting go is very hard.

Good to you - 2ne1

I believed what you said about loving me
I wanted to believe that you would be different from other guys
Foolishly, I gave you my heart to you like a fool
Because of you , I sank in a deep sadness
I swallow these tears by myself
Did it have to be me
Why did you have to do that
Was it a crime to love you
Why am I the only one in pain

Today was good. Until I looked at my ex’s Facebook page. I DEFINTELY thought I was strong enough, but I was wrong.
It’s hard to see someone so smoothly leave your life and not skip a beat, not even act like you were there.
He seems so much happier. And I feel like he’s so much better off without me because he seemed to be unhappy. He has lots of friends and a life, more than I can say for myself.
I don’t know whether to pity myself or be angry or be sad. It’s all very confusing.
It’s hard to stop loving someone who you trusted and except differently from. I know I wasn’t treated right..but I miss him. And I want to feel missed back.
The men who leave my life never miss me. I’m just a burden to them. Something so easily disposable. So replaceable. I don’t want feel like this anymore.
I want to be happy and in a healthy relationship. I want to be cherished and loved and feel important.
I feel so far from grace. So far from God. Am I even doing the right thing? I don’t know anymore.

dimension-hero-jean:

noh-sehun:

togamisnipple:

instead of flirting guys should just start doing weird complex dances in colorful outfits to seduce us like most birds of paradise do to attract mates

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what do you think k-pop is

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(Source: yoshiohanamori)