Today, I am in a bad mood.
Making friends is harder than expected and people who say will be your friend more often than not are being polite. Most people have their friend groups firmly established by now, so trying to enter one is difficult.
I’m trying to find others like me. People I feel comfortable around. People who have similar interest, laugh with me and can be themselves.
I feel as though I have a lot of friends on the surface level. Few people get the chance to see the real me, and few stick around to see it.
I’ve realized that I like being alone. And that’s alright. I will try to make more and more friends..but I doubt I will ever have a best friends.
Being myself and finding friends is very hard.
The slate will soon be clean
I’ll erase the memories,
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted
All that love?
Everyday I struggle with the concept that the person who hurt me, abused me and broke me is not hated by anyone else..just by me.
Everyday I am exhausted trying to understand why I, the person who got hurt, is suffering, when he is pretending life has not fazed him.
I don’t want to play a victim. I don’t even want to be compared to a victim. I want to be seen as a fighter, as someone who had rocks tied to their ankles, but didn’t drown and is proud of the scars the ropes left.
As much as it hurts to be one of the few people to have seen his true colours, I need to let go of expecting others to see him the same way I do. Just as I let go of any positive emotion I had towards him, I also have to let go of the negative.
The love I had for him has turned into a deep seated hate. I pray and hope one day I can just be neutral.